Skinny Dipping with a Snapping Turtle

-June 5, 2005

Chances are I’m jumping in anytime there’s a good swimming hole around. Nothing else gets the blood moving like jumping into the water wearing nothing but your birthday suit. Yes, I’m a skinny dipping addict.

Last night I went swimming au naturale for the first time since we’ve been on the river. It’s just been too damn cold to think about swimming until just the last few days. Maybe not if you’re one of those folks that like Polar Bear Swims on New Year’s Day, but I’m kind of a wimp. It’s been a shame to skip these great swimming holes, but turning into a human icicle ain’t in my vision.

After we setting camp last night, I went for a stroll while Jess stayed back and wrote in her journal. While wandering around I found a cool trail to the river that unfortunately also cut through a healthy stand of stinging nettles.

I couldn’t help myself. Nettles or not I was going for a swim. At first, I tiptoed through and tried to steer clear of them. That was a pointless enterprise, and soon I just plowed through and hoped for the best.

Hope is not a plan. They don’t call them stinging nettles for nothing.

My arms and legs felt like they were on fire. There’s not much you can do about nettle stings beside grin and bear it until the pain subsides. I was doing more bearing than grinning.

Nearby there was a large tree that had fallen into the water. That was going to be my highway to the river. I took off my clothes and laid them on the trunk, being careful to avoid any more nettles in my now unguarded and quite vulnerable state. I’m sure Mom would be proud of her buck-naked son standing in the middle of a nettle patch.

I made my way to the fallen tree trunk and climbed on. I was halfway down when a huge snapping turtle slid off the tree trunk and flopped into the river. This wouldn’t be so bad except he splashed down right where I planned to get in. Not good.

My skin was burning red from the nettles as the mosquitoes turned me into an all-they-can-eat buffet. I had to make a decision and make it fast. Either hike back though the nettles and continue that slow torture or get in the water to rinse off.

I looked over where the snapper plopped in and saw nothing but dark water flowing through the branches. All I could think of was that thing waiting to take a chunk out of my hide.

“Surely he swam off.”

“He’s going to bite me in the nether-regions if I jump in.”

“This isn’t good.”

“No, it’s not.”

“John, you’re not the sharpest knife in the drawer are you?”

“Not really.”

I decided to just take my chances. The mosquitoes were feasting on me and I couldn’t just sit there like a human sacrifice. Mustering up whatever courage I had left, I shimmied down the tree making as much noise as I could. I took one last pitiful look at the shore then jumped in.

Man that water was cold! It felt like jumping into a big glass of sweet iced-tea. My chest felt like someone was sitting on it and I couldn’t catch my breath. Worst than anything was the thought of that turtle sizing me up for a snack.

I was feeling pretty skittish about the whole affair. Aside from possibly having appendages bitten off, I didn’t want to explain to Jess how much of a idiot I was for chasing a big turtle into the river. I doubt she’d be too surprised, but I really didn’t want to have that conversation.

I swam away from the hidden turtle and started to warm up. The mosquitoes were chewed on any part of me above water. I’d dive under to escape them only to think about the turtle waiting for me. I bet he’d already called a bunch of his turtle buddies to come over for dinner.

I decided I’d had enough of this torture. Turtle or not, I had to swim back and pull myself back up onto the tree trunk and get out of there. Once out of the water, the mosquitoes tore into me with a vengeance. I grabbed my clothes and made a frantic run for the tent. I jumped inside, just in front of a swarm of the flying beasties.

“How was the swim?”

“Oh, it was fine. Very relaxing.”

I sort of forgot to mention the turtle.

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